Better this way..

How do you walk away from someone you love
And take the road of friend;
Can you reroute the course you have taken
And start over once again?
I don’t really want to let you go
But inside me I know I must;
The times we’ve loved . . . the times you’ve left
My heart says stay . . . but it’s my mind I must trust…
We have shared so much together
Laughter . . . fun times . . . tears;
Yet sometimes we can’t turn back time
We must walk away, and allow ourselves to heal.
I know one day you will be happy
And your soulmate you will find;
I know we each have one out there
Even if for now . . . only in our minds.
May life be gentle with you
May God’s best come your way;
And on some quiet tomorrow
You will realize things were better this way.

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To my teddy Bear… 🐻

I don’t think u will ever read this, because if you did, you would probably be upset that I would even post something like this. But I can’t come to you to vent on how I feel anymore about you because every time I do, you pull away, you don’t respond on you just make it seem like my feelings don’t matter. I can’t go to my friends about you because right now you are a figure of my imagination that I’ve been talking to on and off for two years. So I decided to write here….

When I first met you, my mind was clear, it was innocent, I knew nothing about you. I did not know your favorite drink was root beer or even how your nose flares when something is on your mind. however, Over the past few years I have grown to love and learn about you, the small things that make you different, like how you refuse to drink out of a straw, or how you would prefer to drink out of a faucet than out of a cup. watching you look out at nature, the look in your eyes, the calmness that I see. I want none other than to be apart of that calmness that you want and seek. I want to be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last person you think about before you go to sleep, and everything in between. But why do I feel this way? You have never given me a chance or us a chance to just be us. You pull away. then u come back. then you pull away. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I would do anything to make you/us happy. But why don’t I feel you would do the same? It hurts that I cannot just call you up and ask you to come over so that we can cuddle and I just release my tears on your chest. My past has hurt me, the violence, the emotional hurt. I just want to cry in your arms and I want you to hold me and tell me it will be okay. sure we can have a simple text conversation, maybe even a phone conversation. But there is nothing like having someone there for you physically. I want to travel the world with you. I want to show you the world from my eyes, introduce to you the family and friends that are apart of my daily lives. I want to show you just how funny I am singing karaoke, or just how calm I can be watching the sunset on the beach.

I have over thought situations, and yes I have made several mistakes. But I am learning, and I learn daily. I want to know everything about you, I want to learn how you like to make And eat your steaks or something as silly as what your favorite brand of toilet tissue is lol. but sometimes I wish we never took things to this level, I hate being in my emotions when I have no one to share those emotions with. when something happens in my life you are the first person I think about telling. When I want to go after something you are the first person I want support from outside of family.

Why do I feel this way about you? You have lied to me, you have mislead me, Yet I still want you around. Am I in love with you, or just the image of you.

All for a reason

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don’t get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

because the past is the past for a reason
It’s been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It’s done, it’s unchangeable, move on

A Letter 2 Myself

The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.

You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.

Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.

If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”

Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.

Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.

You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”

What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.

You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.

But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.

The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?

The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.

Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.

Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.

It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”

You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.

He was just a ghost.

xoxo💋

Tuesdays’ Love Rant..

Have you ever put yourself in a situation where you feel as if your heart is broken? But then u start to think about it and realize you are more disappointed in yourself vs. the other person actually breaking your heart? Currently, I’m in this situation, where I don’t know if I am Heart broken or just disappointed in the way things are going.

But it happens. Life goes on and I have to learn to just

…LET IT GO…

I’ve been hurt… man I’ve been hurt before. and bad! I completely let my guard down for that person and they just changed ..it hurt me to the point where i cried for months, you love someone and then they just disappear…poof …gone……and I admit, it has changed me…..random,  Was reading and fell upon this quote..thought i would share.

“ Everything changes. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick yourself up and keep moving on. Get up everyday and do your best. You will get through this. Put one foot in front of the other. Another man will come your way.”

The feeling of being in love is indefinable; and IF both parties put forth the effort… no one can come between the two of you. Sometimes I feel as if I was born after my time , because all I want is love, I don’t want the material things, i don’t want the jewels, the cars, or his money, or anything else. Just the feeling of having someone there for you thru thick and thin, no matter the attitude, no matter the weather or storms, that person is forever there, and WILLING to work hard to make a relationship work…being married or in a relationship with your best friend..

Relationships will not be easy, no one ever said it was. And if you are not focused on the relationship and not willing to put in the WORK…. it will not last… just because you have a disagreement, or you disagree on things, does not mean that is your queue to leave, especially if you call yourself loving that person. i dont see the point if you are in a relationship you should be able to to express your feelings to your spouse/ significant other and they respect whatever you say. yumay not be happy with the response or what they have to say, but if you love someone, you are still suppose to try… right? I don’t know, maybe love isn’t for me..but from watching my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends…. LOVE is not easy but it is def. worth it

If i want Goodmorning texts, and Goodnight texts every day, should I have to tell him? Or should it automatically be expected? Should I have to ask if someone cares about me or should they just tell me vs showing me. These things are questions that I ask myself daily, i should not have to wonder all day or week if someone is thinking about me.. i just want to feel wanted..

like i thirst for the attention
but i don’t even know why
then other times
i don’t want to be bothered
it’s not that i’m depressive
i think i’m a lot of fun
i just have changes of mood
lately things aren’t satisfying
food is good, but there’s nothing i crave
i’m not unhappy, but i don’t feel joyous either
and i sit and think about what really makes me smile
usually the insignificant things
a surprise phone call
a piece of candy someone gives me
a good story told by a total stranger
and what do these things reveal
i like to be thought of
i want to be wanted

I wrote this out to see exactly where my thoughts and feelings were… i usually tweet about it or post about it on IG, but figured this would be a little better, kind of theraputic like music.

The Greatest Risk❤️

We can’t blame others when love goes away
For we knew from the start it never promised to stay.
It’s just one of those things where the stakes are high
Sometimes it’s forever and sometimes it’s good-bye.
When you love the right way, you will never lose
No matter what path life may force you to choose.
You may end up with tears or a broken heart
But you knew what you signed up for, right from the start.
You can only give what you’ve got to give
And if that’s not enough you must continue to live.
Life will go on and broken hearts will heal
You must continue your journey , for that’s the deal.
Throw your heart into life and never stall
For the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all!

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My Pledge of Allegiance to Me Written by Letitia L. Hodge

this is not my poem but wanted to share!

There’s more to me than the human eye can see.
I’m a woman of purpose and destiny.

A perfect design, I’m special and unique.
I won’t be identified by the parts that make
up my physique.

My beauty is not defined by my skin or my hair
and my soul has more value than
the clothes that I wear.

I’m not a symbol of pleasure or sex appeal;
I have the natural ability to comfort
and the power to heal.

When God made me, He created a gem
because He fashioned me in the likeness of Him.

I refuse to do anything that will put God to shame.
I deserve to be treated with reverence
and called by my name.

I can’t be purchased or sold at any price
because I’ve already been bought and paid
for by the precious blood of Christ!

I praise You because I am fearfully and

wonderfully made.

(Psalm 139:14)