To my teddy Bear… 🐻

I don’t think u will ever read this, because if you did, you would probably be upset that I would even post something like this. But I can’t come to you to vent on how I feel anymore about you because every time I do, you pull away, you don’t respond on you just make it seem like my feelings don’t matter. I can’t go to my friends about you because right now you are a figure of my imagination that I’ve been talking to on and off for two years. So I decided to write here….

When I first met you, my mind was clear, it was innocent, I knew nothing about you. I did not know your favorite drink was root beer or even how your nose flares when something is on your mind. however, Over the past few years I have grown to love and learn about you, the small things that make you different, like how you refuse to drink out of a straw, or how you would prefer to drink out of a faucet than out of a cup. watching you look out at nature, the look in your eyes, the calmness that I see. I want none other than to be apart of that calmness that you want and seek. I want to be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last person you think about before you go to sleep, and everything in between. But why do I feel this way? You have never given me a chance or us a chance to just be us. You pull away. then u come back. then you pull away. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I would do anything to make you/us happy. But why don’t I feel you would do the same? It hurts that I cannot just call you up and ask you to come over so that we can cuddle and I just release my tears on your chest. My past has hurt me, the violence, the emotional hurt. I just want to cry in your arms and I want you to hold me and tell me it will be okay. sure we can have a simple text conversation, maybe even a phone conversation. But there is nothing like having someone there for you physically. I want to travel the world with you. I want to show you the world from my eyes, introduce to you the family and friends that are apart of my daily lives. I want to show you just how funny I am singing karaoke, or just how calm I can be watching the sunset on the beach.

I have over thought situations, and yes I have made several mistakes. But I am learning, and I learn daily. I want to know everything about you, I want to learn how you like to make And eat your steaks or something as silly as what your favorite brand of toilet tissue is lol. but sometimes I wish we never took things to this level, I hate being in my emotions when I have no one to share those emotions with. when something happens in my life you are the first person I think about telling. When I want to go after something you are the first person I want support from outside of family.

Why do I feel this way about you? You have lied to me, you have mislead me, Yet I still want you around. Am I in love with you, or just the image of you.

All for a reason

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don’t get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

because the past is the past for a reason
It’s been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It’s done, it’s unchangeable, move on

A Letter 2 Myself

The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.

You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.

Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.

If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”

Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.

Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.

You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”

What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.

You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.

But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.

The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?

The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.

Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.

Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.

It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”

You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.

He was just a ghost.

xoxo💋

Letting you go…

You broke my heart in two
And took me like a bet,
with all you put me through
I have so many regrets.

To lose you was worth it,
although I wasn’t sure,
it seemed to make me happy,
but still so insecure.

We always said Forever
we would take it to the end
never give it up
but this time my heart couldn’t mend.

It cut so deep into me
I guess it hurt you too
but when you did it, then you lied
I had to say “we’re through.”

I gave you all I had
I tried to make it last
but now all we have
are memories from the past.

So look me in the eye
and tell me what you see
a girl so broke inside
who’s been through misery.

And now I’m moving on
with the pain that kills inside
but I’m starting to forget
by reminding myself, how you lied!

I have somebody new
someone to treat me right,
to talk to lovingly
and to hold me all night.

He’s there for me when I need him
to give me love and support
to hold me close and wipe away
all my signs of hurt.

To kiss me softly every night
and let me know he’s there
to call me just because,
just to tell me that he cares.

Now here I go again
fallen so hard, so deep
but this time it’s different,
this is one I want to keep!

This is for you…

When I first met you
I felt like I had known you forever,
telling you my secrets
and what I didn’t want ever.
u listened to me
I bet you thought I’d never end lol
who would have thought
we would become more than just friends.
Over a period of time,
I got to know the real you.
A man so caring and gentle,
with a heart so true.
You’ve survived your life
with hurt and loneliness by your side.
I told you I’d never leave
because of the feelings I have inside.
I know you
like no one I have ever known,
and sometimes I wonder
what I’d do if you were gone?
So I have decided
time answers all.
If it is meant to be
time will remove the wall.
I love the way we are together,
you can always make me smile.
Will it ever really be forever?
I guess I will have to wait awhile.
Time will reveal, what lies ahead
but always remember
what I have said.
Meeting you has changed my life
and I really love you so,
the feelings I feel for you
I am never letting go.
Remember me always
and I will too.
I always think of
me and you.

Honesty…!

I was talking to one of my male friends’ today about relationships and I’ve determined that men are not emotionally honest with women because they think the relationship would move to a friend zone state and love would no longer be an option. Let me tell you all something, we (as females) prefer a HONEST man. …. So to keep from being PUT into the Friend zone….honesty is the best policy! I believe the purpose of men being emotionally honest shouldn’t be just to satisfy us women, but also to live in honor as a man. A man who shares his emotional truth is simply being honest. We may not like hearing how u feel about us or our relationship, but we will know the truth, and we can work with that. A man who speaks from his heart is sharing his absolute truth, and deserves respect. Of course it works both ways lol.

Another thing that has been on my mind, why do men in general not know the answer to things? When you ask them a simple yes or no question they want to go around the bush, which later leads to lies…which leads to us getting upset…which leads to arguments….etc…and then at the end, the man says its Our fault because we asked the question. ….NOOOOO its your fault because u just couldn’t be upfront and honest! if we ask a question about our relationship… ansWer it we can handle our own feelings! GOODNESS!!!!!

Sorry just wanted to vent for a moment..i hate liars…, thought what better way to vent than to write.

#NowPlaying #TonyBraxton

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~Toodles XOXO~

Tuesdays’ Love Rant..

Have you ever put yourself in a situation where you feel as if your heart is broken? But then u start to think about it and realize you are more disappointed in yourself vs. the other person actually breaking your heart? Currently, I’m in this situation, where I don’t know if I am Heart broken or just disappointed in the way things are going.

But it happens. Life goes on and I have to learn to just

…LET IT GO…

I’ve been hurt… man I’ve been hurt before. and bad! I completely let my guard down for that person and they just changed ..it hurt me to the point where i cried for months, you love someone and then they just disappear…poof …gone……and I admit, it has changed me…..random,  Was reading and fell upon this quote..thought i would share.

“ Everything changes. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick yourself up and keep moving on. Get up everyday and do your best. You will get through this. Put one foot in front of the other. Another man will come your way.”

The feeling of being in love is indefinable; and IF both parties put forth the effort… no one can come between the two of you. Sometimes I feel as if I was born after my time , because all I want is love, I don’t want the material things, i don’t want the jewels, the cars, or his money, or anything else. Just the feeling of having someone there for you thru thick and thin, no matter the attitude, no matter the weather or storms, that person is forever there, and WILLING to work hard to make a relationship work…being married or in a relationship with your best friend..

Relationships will not be easy, no one ever said it was. And if you are not focused on the relationship and not willing to put in the WORK…. it will not last… just because you have a disagreement, or you disagree on things, does not mean that is your queue to leave, especially if you call yourself loving that person. i dont see the point if you are in a relationship you should be able to to express your feelings to your spouse/ significant other and they respect whatever you say. yumay not be happy with the response or what they have to say, but if you love someone, you are still suppose to try… right? I don’t know, maybe love isn’t for me..but from watching my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends…. LOVE is not easy but it is def. worth it

If i want Goodmorning texts, and Goodnight texts every day, should I have to tell him? Or should it automatically be expected? Should I have to ask if someone cares about me or should they just tell me vs showing me. These things are questions that I ask myself daily, i should not have to wonder all day or week if someone is thinking about me.. i just want to feel wanted..

like i thirst for the attention
but i don’t even know why
then other times
i don’t want to be bothered
it’s not that i’m depressive
i think i’m a lot of fun
i just have changes of mood
lately things aren’t satisfying
food is good, but there’s nothing i crave
i’m not unhappy, but i don’t feel joyous either
and i sit and think about what really makes me smile
usually the insignificant things
a surprise phone call
a piece of candy someone gives me
a good story told by a total stranger
and what do these things reveal
i like to be thought of
i want to be wanted

I wrote this out to see exactly where my thoughts and feelings were… i usually tweet about it or post about it on IG, but figured this would be a little better, kind of theraputic like music.

Moving On ….

As a female, I have noticed an issue amongst several women, including myself. We fall for a guy, the relationship is fun, and somehow, somewhere along the way, things turn sour, leaving us ( as women) with heartbreak. He becomes mean, starts to ignore us more and more, and for some reason we just cannot figure out why.So we go on crying for weeks, walking around with our heads held low, letting that man… or woman (if you are a man reading this) take over our lives while they have moved on. And then it happens, that one person who we cried about, hated for several weeks calls, texts, messages us, and the cycle begins all over again.

This my friends is what we call “The Honey moon stage” , they come back into our lives as if they did nothing wrong. The plead their case apologizing saying they would never hurt you or your feelings again. They drown you with roses, kisses, gifts, etc. You once again have fallen into their “Trap”. They then become mean again, etc.

For most of us in our twenties, one of our ultimate goals is to find love . Most college men are not ready for relationships, and when we find one that is, we find ourselves falling for them quicker than ever. And when they break our hearts… I must admit, it hurts..

But if these men continually hurt us, why do we go back to them? Is it the familiarity? Is it because we’re lonely? Is it that we think we can’t find anyone better than them? The truth of the matter is that we are beautiful, intelligent women that deserve everything in a relationship and more. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that a relationship isn’t meant to be. Point blank. What’s for you won’t pass you by, and if this man breaks your heart, let him go. Perhaps what you’re holding on to doesn’t exist anymore.

It’s hard not to hold onto memories, but you have to remember that loneliness should never drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with.So, if this “Man” doesn’t put forth a solid effort to fix the damage done in the past, LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make strong effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay. Just remember that you can’t start the next chapter in your life if you’re still re-reading the last one.

#SideNote: A man should never define your happiness. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.