To my teddy Bear… 🐻

I don’t think u will ever read this, because if you did, you would probably be upset that I would even post something like this. But I can’t come to you to vent on how I feel anymore about you because every time I do, you pull away, you don’t respond on you just make it seem like my feelings don’t matter. I can’t go to my friends about you because right now you are a figure of my imagination that I’ve been talking to on and off for two years. So I decided to write here….

When I first met you, my mind was clear, it was innocent, I knew nothing about you. I did not know your favorite drink was root beer or even how your nose flares when something is on your mind. however, Over the past few years I have grown to love and learn about you, the small things that make you different, like how you refuse to drink out of a straw, or how you would prefer to drink out of a faucet than out of a cup. watching you look out at nature, the look in your eyes, the calmness that I see. I want none other than to be apart of that calmness that you want and seek. I want to be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last person you think about before you go to sleep, and everything in between. But why do I feel this way? You have never given me a chance or us a chance to just be us. You pull away. then u come back. then you pull away. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I would do anything to make you/us happy. But why don’t I feel you would do the same? It hurts that I cannot just call you up and ask you to come over so that we can cuddle and I just release my tears on your chest. My past has hurt me, the violence, the emotional hurt. I just want to cry in your arms and I want you to hold me and tell me it will be okay. sure we can have a simple text conversation, maybe even a phone conversation. But there is nothing like having someone there for you physically. I want to travel the world with you. I want to show you the world from my eyes, introduce to you the family and friends that are apart of my daily lives. I want to show you just how funny I am singing karaoke, or just how calm I can be watching the sunset on the beach.

I have over thought situations, and yes I have made several mistakes. But I am learning, and I learn daily. I want to know everything about you, I want to learn how you like to make And eat your steaks or something as silly as what your favorite brand of toilet tissue is lol. but sometimes I wish we never took things to this level, I hate being in my emotions when I have no one to share those emotions with. when something happens in my life you are the first person I think about telling. When I want to go after something you are the first person I want support from outside of family.

Why do I feel this way about you? You have lied to me, you have mislead me, Yet I still want you around. Am I in love with you, or just the image of you.